To my little love, Max:
You are almost three months old, and the time has come for me to go back to work. Your nanny, Rosa, is wonderful. She is sweet and loving. I know she’ll take good care of you.
But, my heart is hurting and I ache for you already. You and I have been attached for almost a year now. You were growing inside of me until you were born into the world, and since then we’ve been inseparable. I feed you my milk and all my love. You feed me your smiles and coos.
Now, I will log countless hours sitting in front of a pump at my desk, pumping my milk and my love into bottles for you.
And you, my sweet boy, will log countless hours in front of a bottle, drinking my love and hopefully feeling it, too. I hope when Rosa gives you the bottle, she looks into your deep eyes and makes you feel infinitely loved and secure in a way that I would. I will long for our cuddles at night when I get home from work. I know I’ll be tired, but I want you to know that I look forward to those awakenings because they are our time — just you and me.
While this is going to be hard for both of us, I know that going back to work is probably good for my long-term happiness, which in turn is good for yours. I know that I may seem exhausted and frazzled and grumpy sometimes, but my hope is that one day you will be able to see more than that…
That you might see the tired stressed mommy rushing out of the house in the morning as a woman excited about her career.
That you might see our messy home as a home filled with passion and projects.
That you might see my sad or irritable moments as a way to learn about the emotions of a woman.
That you might see my job that takes me away from you as an inspiration to find work that you love too.
My hope, my little love, is that one day you might appreciate and honor the women in your life even more because of this imperfect dance I will be doing.
The biggest and most important job in my life is to help you and your brother grow into the kind, loving, sensitive men I know you are. I tell you every day, and I will tell you again and every day that I can — you are my special boy, I’m so proud of you, I love you more than anything.