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KiddieLeaks: The Surveillance Reports of an Average Home with Preschoolers

funny things kids sayWith all the media talk of high-tech hackers infiltrating our homes through baby monitors, microwaves, and other small appliances, I wondered just what those shady characters of the cyber underworld would make of audio recordings coming from my house.

And so, I bring you the seedy world of preschooler espionage: audio files of life with a five- and three-year- old.

Wednesday 7:59am

5YO: She fell into the toilet.

Mom: Is she still in there?

5YO: No, we got her out. But there’s a lot of pee. It’s everywhere, mom. It’s bad.

Wednesday 8:09am

Mom: Flip flops are for wearing not for licking.

Wednesday 10:05am

3YO: Mama, I put a Craisin in my nose.

Mom: Please take it out.

3YO: It’s too late. I can’t find it.

Wednesday 7:10pm

3YO: I have a peanut.

Mom: It’s called a penis, but you have a vagina.

5YO: Peanut is more fun to say.

Mom: That might be true, but it’s penis, and you both have vaginas.

Thursday 12:45pm

3YO: Do you remember when the sick came out of my mouth on you?

Mom: I do.

3YO: Do you remember when the sick came out of your mouth at my school?

Mom: Yep. I remember that, too.

Thursday 12:55pm

Mom: I will buy you anything you want if you poop on the potty.

3YO: I don’t want your things.

Thursday 4:48pm

3YO: The red cup.

Mom: The red cup is in the dishwasher, which is on, so you can have any other cup.

3YO: No. Only the red cup. It must be the red cup. THE REDDDD CCCUUUUPPPPPP!!!!!! [Glass breaking, furniture being tossed.]

Friday 2:05pm:

5YO: Poop alert! Poop alert! Poop alert!

Friday 2:58pm

5YO: Mom, did you say the word that starts with F?

Mom: No. This time I did not.

Saturday 10:02am

5YO: You’re the worst mom in the whole wide world.

Mom: That may be true, but you still may not use a steak knife in the garden.

Saturday 10:04am

3YO: You’re the best mom in the whole wide world.

Mom: That may be true, but your sister still may not use a steak knife in the garden.

Saturday 3:34pm

Mom: Maybe “anything” wasn’t specific enough. I will buy you a pony if you poop on the potty.

3YO: No.

Saturday 4:59pm

Mom: Why is your sister turquoise?

Sunday 3:03pm

Mom: Gah! Gross! My God why would you put that in your mouth?!?

Sunday 3:19pm

Mom: Where is all of this water coming from?!?!

5YO: We’re playing firefighters.

3YO: The living room is burning.

Mom: Turn off the hose! Turn off the hose!

Sunday 3:21pm

Mom: Please go and play for a second. Mom is in time out.

Sunday 3:22pm

Mom: Please just go over there. Over. There. There! Away! Go away for half a second! I’m begging you. [Hysterical crying and wailing.]

Sunday 3:23pm

Mom: Yes, I love you. I love you SO, SO MUCH. Who wants a drink of water? Mom needs a drink.

Monday 5:47pm

5YO: This tastes funny.

Mom: It’s the soup you love. You ate three bowlfuls of it on Saturday.

5YO: I don’t like it anymore.

Tuesday 1:32pm

Mom: Yes, an orange. Yes, down the heating vent. No, I didn’t put it in there.

Tuesday 2:58pm

5YO: The F word means “everything is broken” in German. Right?

Mom: In many ways, yes. Yes, it does.

Tuesday 4:02pm

Mom: How about a Paw Patrol dog?

3YO: Ok. I’ll poop.

Mom: Yes! Win! Burning through the sky, yeah! Two hundred degrees that’s why they call me Mrs. Fahrenheit! I’m traveling at the speed of light!

Tuesday 4:23pm

5YO: Mom, are we getting a dog?

Mom: What? No.

3YO: She said we’re getting a dog since she pooped on the potty.

Mom: No, I said a Paw Patrol stuffed dog.

5YO: Well, I’m pretty sure she thinks she’s getting a real dog that talks.

Mom: She has a lifetime of therapy to work that out.

5YO: What’s therapy?

Mom: You’ll know soon enough.

Tuesday 8:02pm

3YO: I love you.

5YO: I love you.

Mom: You girls are the best. You know that? The absolute best.

*This document compresses time and comprises stories borrowed from some of my awesome mama friends and their awesomely expressive kiddos and, therefore, would not stand up against a Congressional hearing.

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